How to Oversleep

If I am expert at any one thing, I would have to say it is how to oversleep.

Oversleeping can take many forms. During the school year, when I have to be up for work at a given time every morning, I perfect the art of the snooze and dash. While it may be difficult to master, it is in essence a very simple thing. It involves setting an alarm clock then –here’s the delicate part – when the morning comes, hitting the snooze button. Repeatedly. You must hit the snooze button every five minutes (or seven, or whatever interval your particular alarm clock designates) until finally you hit the exact last moment you could possibly wake up and still get to work. You then must sit bolt upright in bed, hop out of bed, and move with the speed of a comic book hero through your entire morning routine, in an sort of unconscious flurry which provides a frightening fluidity, until you find yourself in your car.

My record was 10 minutes, from bed to door, fully dressed with book bag and full coffee cup in hand.

In the summer, oversleeping takes a different form for me. In the summer, you see, there is no moment of panic. There’s no dash. It’s just a slow realization that, even though I once again set an alarm for 9 in the hopes of having a full and productive day, it’s 10:45 and I should probably get up.

So how do I accomplish these overwhelming feats of oversleeping? Here are some simple tips to help you accomplish it every time.

1. Stay up as late as possible. When I have to wake up at 6, 12 will do the trick. 1 is better. If you have trouble staying up this late, consider the use of caffeine at night or intense aerobic exercise after dinner.

2. Make your bed as comfortable as possible and the rest of your home as uncomfortable as possible. There’s nothing like waking up in a frigid room to make you want to stay in bed for just a few more minutes.

3. Cultivate a snooze habit. This is the big one. If you start by letting yourself snooze the alarm (just once . . okay, maybe once more), then you will absolutely find yourself snoozing again the next day. Pretty soon you will be able to hit snooze without even knowing you’re doing it, and then you will guarantee that you will oversleep.

4. Set your alarm much much earlier than you really need to get up. If you have to get out the door by 6:30, and know that it takes you about half an hour to eat breakfast and get ready for work, then set your alarm no later than 5:15. It will give you that extra urge to hit snooze the first few times, and once you get past those first few, it’s a breeze to keep doing it.

5. Do something you dislike or dread first thing in the morning. Avoid anything pleasant or worth looking forward to at least until after lunch.

6. Keep all light out of your bedroom. Make sure that when you wake up at 8 in the morning, your room looks exactly like what it would look like if you accidentally woke up at 4 in the morning.

7. Make sure your spouse is a comrade in arms on this one. Nothing will keep you from enjoying a good oversleeping than a significant other forcibly pushing you out of bed and saying “no really, get up!” You should instead advise the party in question to encourage you to cuddle when your alarm goes off.

I suppose if, for some reason, you didn’t want to oversleep in the morning, you could reverse these tips, but why would anyone want to do that?