Feeling defeated

Okay, please forgive me for whining more.

When I posted about my busy day, it was a really lame excuse for not posting. Everyone has busy days, everyone has responsibilities, everyone makes choices. I think the real reason that I haven't posted lately is just that I have been feeling so unbelievably defeated, so completely boring and whiney and vulnerable all in one, that I didn't feel like sharing it with the world. I don't mind working hard and being busy if it's making a difference, if it's changing things, but it seems lately like so much of what I'm doing is just completely futile. I'm drowning in laundry, in dishes, in ungraded papers, and no matter how much time I devote to it, it demands more. In everything, my housework, my professional work, my financial life, I just can't seem to get ahead. I can't even seem to stand still.

I have this image of myself as a domestic goddess, baking pies and ironing shirts, of a coupon queen with a stockpile the size of Big Ben, of a teacher of the year, of an internationally recognized advocate and philanthropist. And instead I'm spending my days folding laundry and grading quizzes, or worse NOT folding laundry and grading quizzes and instead just watching TV and whining about the laundry and the TV. I need to do something that matters.